Bad Reviews of Total Recall
One of my favorite quotes from any movie is at the end of Amadeus (SPOILER), when Salieri is wheeled through the insane asylum proudly raising his hand over not only the patients but also the orderlies and the priest who's come to take his confession:
"Mediocrities everywhere... I absolve you... I absolve you... I absolve you..."
That is to say, I get probably too much pleasure out of condescension.
So I love reading scathing reviews of bad movies. One of my all-time favorites is Roger Ebert's reviw of Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. And the latest movie I've enjoyed reading bad reviews of is Total Recall.
I loved the 1990 version of Total Recall with Arnold Schwarzenegger before I even saw it. It came out when I was seven years old, so too young to see an R-rated movie. But whenever I saw the ads for it, I loved that special effect scene when the lady's head came apart. When I asked my dad what was going on he explained the head was a bomb. I had to see this movie.
And, oh man, it was even better than I'd imagined: mutants growing out of guys' stomachs, myths of anicent Martian civilizations, Sharon Stone kicking ass, Schwarzenegger shooting all the guns and getting all the girls, Ronny Cox (is there a better 80s villain??), eyes bugging out of guys' heads, and oh yeah, a three-breasted hooker.
The point is, the 1990 movie took risks. And yes, of course, that means a lot of it is campy. But every single review I've read of the new Total Recall, complains that Len Wiseman took no risks with his version. Like this io9 review. And the result is a very glossy, very boring, humorless movie.
I recently complained about The Dark Knight Rises being humorless. Let me be clear that I like serious dramatic movies. I love Gosford Park (given that, and my quote from Amadeus above, maybe my thing is very dry humor, but to that accusation I respond: "Three-breasted hooker.") I loved The Wrestler. I loved the Hurt Locker. For your serious, sci-fi dystopia, I loved Children of Men. I don't need to laugh in the movie theater, but unless you're going to move me, scare me or make me think, I'd sure like to.
With the new Total Recall, unfortunately, I knew it would bore me before I even see it.
