n00b mind
Fifteen years old, in 1998, I desperately wanted to play with the other boys, and they all wanted to play Golden Eye. I have very fond memories of Golden Eye, but I was terrible. I always chose Oddjob and proximity mines. All that kept me from being too annoying was how quickly I died on some concrete polygon, and was forgotten.
Corrin was good. In middle school he hung out at Galactican, and I never stepped food inside. He loved Street Fighter, and I never passed the button-mashing stage of child development. It's like I was born without the cognitive ability for combos. I don't think I even fully understood what a combo was until college. By then, it was too late.
My brother was pretty good too, and I happily lost to him in Halo, Madden NFL 96, and Tournament Fighter. Even when we teamed up on Sonic, he'd play Tails and I would fall into the spikes, spilling all our rings.
In DC in our early twenties, Corrin got a Wii, and I was bad at Wii Tennis. Beau had an Xbox and I once again enjoyed getting killed in Halo. My aim had not improved since Golden Eye, so I always chose the Needler. I repeatedly ended up facedown in my shattered Spartan suit, crushed by the Rocket Launcher or picked off by the Sniper Rifle. Plenty of times, I'd turn the corner and walk into the Shotgun or the Energy Sword.
Back then, I discovered Civilization IV on PC, and when the world got to be too much, I'd disappear inside its expansive map. I'd build a gleaming Russian Empire and take out Ancient Egypt with War Elephants. Just one more turn. A few times, Corrin warned me I'd be late to work, because I'd been up all night playing Civ, and 7 o'clock had come and gone.
Twenty years later, and Kerstin will sometimes find me playing Civ 6 til Two A.M. With Civ, I finally found a video game I'm really good at. I put in the thousands of hours. If anyone ever had weeks of empty time, I could crush them at Multiplayer.
That makes me less happy. I enjoy Civ, I play at Deity now, but it's an escape. Here's another lesson middle age has taught me: I'd rather get my heart ripped out in Mortal Kombat. Rather get hit by Corrin's red shell and tumble off Rainbow Road.
On Christmas Day, Kerstin's brother Moses brought over his Switch, and in the rec room we played retro sidescroller Shredders Revenge. I earned the Pacifist Badge for Least Enemies Killed. I couldn't even take out the Foot Clan, and it was sincerely joyous. It felt – just a little – how it might have, in our boyhood, if I'd ever joined Corrin and Little Fox at Galactican.
If Beginner's Mind is partly about letting go of shame or embarrassment to learn and fall down and get back up and faceplant again, then at forty, I'm trying to embrace n00b mind. Just be patient, okay, while I respawn and find the Needler.
